Monday, January 29, 2007
Ok, literally after I finished writing the last sentence, I must have closed my eyes because I was back in my old room watching A Scanner Darkly. When I opened my eyes again it was really disconcerting.
Oh, and I'm not allowed to leave my room anymore so I've got swelling in my legs and feet. The only remedy for this the hospital seems aware of is to make me pee more. I'm really not a fan of that. How about they stick me in a bubble? That way I couldn't hurt anyone, and no one could hurt me. I'd be rolling around this floor like crazy.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Oh, and this is a day after my doctor came in and told me to stop eating. I imagine that speech should go something like the following: "We've found an infection and one of the best ways to fight it off is to stop eating solid foods for a few days. In the meantime we've got some liquid nutrition options." Instead, it went like this "Ok, you need to stop eating."
I haven't eaten in 5 days.
This past night of sleep was particularly interesting because apparently that stuff also effects what you see in your head. In my case, whenever I'd get woken up during the night and drift back off, I'd have some bizarre dream and then would be really confused when I was woken up next.
Odd things I've dreamed about so far (keep in mind that there was no context to any of these, I would literally just get a few seconds and then I'd get woken up again):
I was in a room with a bunch of mountain men who were filling out forms.
I just looked down and saw my hand completely covered in blood.
I guess they can't all be bad.
Another thing I enjoyed from tv preacher man was him explaining to everyone in the audience (I'm guessing they were drugged and kidnapped, otherwise this country has no future) that "jesus wasn't thinking about comfort." He said this while in a cushy recliner chair, I guess to emphasize the part about comfort. He didn't really go anywhere with it other than to say "god and Jesus made themselves uncomfortable." At that point I changed the channel.
Oh, another religious weirdness request, this time for the Christians:
What is a high risk prayer and why did this guy keep patting himself on the back for not doing them?
I saw something on the tv this morning that disturbed me. I believe it's one of the signs of impending apocalypse. It is called the "rocket fishing rod." The commercial begins by showing a bunch of kids at the edge of a lake with plastic gun things. They shoot those, and then it cuts to footage of the fish they catch. I assumed this was a joke commercial because it looked way too ridiculous. Yeah, it wasn't. It is literally a plastic toy gun that shoots a capsule with a hook inside it into the water.
Thoughts on this:
Are we trying to get children into the whole fishing thing?
if so, why?
Even if you use the gun to shoot the hook into the lake, there's no reason to think you'll catch anything quickly. I have to imagine that once those excited little children on the commercial have gotten over the novelty of shooting at things, they'll just end up shooting each other.
see for yourself
Favorite phrase so far today: Tackle pack. It comes free with the rocket thing and just sounds dirty.
Saturday, January 27, 2007
Oh, thanks to my epic fever (and the attendant alternating freezing and boiling feelings) they've moved me into my own room. While technically it's an "isolation room" (Miranda, I think I've found your next apartment) that I'll only be in for a week or so to let this infection/fever stuff blow over, I don't care. It's my own room with my own shower and nobody snoring. I plan to mount a defense when they try to get me out of here. My IV tree could be a very effective javelin... assuming I can get someone to unplug me from it,.
With that mental imagery, it's time for sleep.
Bob seemed nice enough, but he snored. And not in the normal human way. Imagine, if you will, a gas powered lawn mower. Now imagine the sound of someone pulling the starter on the lawn mower, the mower starting for a second, then turning off. That is what Bob's snores were like. (oh, and keep in mind that I've probably never experienced that sound in my life, so I'm going on what it sounded like in "honey I shrunk the kids")
I was so sick the last few days I couldn't write. I literally didn't get out of bed once yesterday. I have a fever of 103. You'll forgive me if I'm not so entertaining.
I had meant to write something about the rabbi, so here it is even though he left a few days ago.
The rabbi is a beast. He is 100% strong-like-bull man. Let me put this in context.
A minor surgical procedure is defined as anything a doctor can justify not hitting you over the head with a stick until you're unconscious before he's comfortable doing it. Things like bone marrow biopsies are considered "minor surgical procedures" even though it was the most painful traumatizing thing I've ever experienced. The rabbi had a bone marrow biopsy in our room. I ran. I got out into the hall and just started marching in circles. My nurse saw me and I explained the situation and he was willing to do recon for me. I walked in circles for like 40 minutes. Around here that's a lot. Before I left the room I heard the rabbi double checking with the doctor that they wouldn't be using anything other than a local anesthetic. I, on the other hand, beg and plead and publicly humiliate myself to try and get them to give me something.
More evidence of the rabbi's beasthood and my little girlishness: He and I underwent the same procedure to have a central line placed in our chests. As the little girl that I am, I had anxiety and fear of this procedure for days. Turns out they knock you out for it, which I am a huge fan of. The beast/rabbi turned down the anesthetic. Yeah, he wanted to be awake during someone going into his chest with a needle. Probably several needles. The rabbi is a beast.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Turns out my roommate is a rabbi.
He also wakes up before dawn and prays for like 2 hours.
With the lights on.
Do you go to hell for hoping a rabbi passes out before he can go back to praying?
Oh, and the lady who came in to check my vital signs had a bite mark on her arm. I'm no expert, but it looked human. If I'm stuck here for 30 days I think it's about time I start coming up with interesting back stories for all the people around here.
Rabbi's morning consisted of the following (which I was privy to because his light went on before dawn and he started talking loudly):
He called someone and prayed on the phone
He prayed some more
He made another phone call and prayed on the phone again
This continued for about 2 hours.
This is a conversation that just happened between hospital staff and the rabbi (I'm actually not sure who the middle quote is...)
"I'm here for the urine."
"Urine, what urine? Did you take urine?
"no, nobody asked me to"
(keep in mind that the first quote has a thick hispanic accent and the next two are thick Israeli accents)
Just in case anyone doubts the complete loss of human dignity in modern hospitals...
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
NOTE: I'm half jewish. Kiss my ass.
Oh, the new roommate is only here for a few days. This is good because he's got hearing problems so everyone has to scream at him. Still working on a nickname, the following adjectives apply: old, jewish, pissy, loud, cranky, very very jewish. Like I said, still working on it.
I woke up this morning and my IV was leaking. I stepped in a puddle of god knows what. Tastes like burning. Ok, I probably didn't taste it.
Me: I'd like to order some food.
Her: ok, what can I get for you.
Me: I'd like a sandwhich
Her: oooh yeah.
Me: Uh, with whole wheat bread...
Her: mmm yeah
Me: And muenster cheese
Me: and mustard
I also asked for a ginger ale.
I don't even have something amusing to say here, I'm still kinda confused from the whole experience.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
My new neighbor sounds kinda pissy. He's been here 5 minutes and he's already bitching out the poor food lady. He wants his sprite "cold, frozen. It should not be warm." I guarantee you she didn't ask. Oh, and he wants everything kosher.
More about little european man:
He has now officially left. As he was leaving he made a valiant effort to say something to me (I'm not sure what language he was aiming for) and eventually managed "you home soon." Sweet of him. He may have meant that, since he knows I'm going to be here throughout all eternity, he's going to have his eastern european mafia friends raid my home soon. He may have meant that he's going to burn down this damn hospital so I'll be going home before I expect. There are many things he may have meant, but I choose to think he meant that he's going to move in with me after I get out of here. The reason I'm hoping for this is as follows:
Little European man (LEM) timeline:
day 1: LEM arrives and settles in. His wife stays over with him that night which is sweet, but between the two of them the snoring probably could have brought the building down.
Also, I'm informed that LEM has pneumonia. This is super fun in and of itself, but it's also the case that my immune system ain't workin too good, I can't even leave my room without a mask on and no one is allowed to visit me without wearing one. But the guy next to me has pneumonia. What might a doctor say about this? Well she said that pneumonia won't cross the curtain (presumably she means the one between me and LEM's beds). I find that odd. Does she really mean that pneumonia as a disease was conquered by the advent of the curtain? Additionally, this worries me because the bathroom is on my side of the room, as is the exit, so he has to walk past me all the time. Not even a really really impressive curtain could protect me from that.
I can't remember any more specific days, but these are other things that happened:
LEM's wife doesn't stay over one night, and I realize that 90% of the olympic, epic, beyond thunderdome snoring that is being done is by LEM's wife (who is easily 3 times LEM's mass, speaks his mystery language, and is apparently quite dedicated to the little man).
LEM doesn't bother walking to the bathroom. He prefers the little bedpans. That's fun to listen to.
Other things LEM does that are fun to listen to: This 5 foot tall man coughs. I don't mean coughs the way that your average human being coughs. I mean LEM coughs like satan himself (or a really up-there lesser demon) has not only become lodged in LEM's throat, but is currently holding on for dear life to stay in there and has summoned his demon armies to assist him. Apparently LEM also has a spitoon for whatever lesser demons he manages to shake loose. We're in a hospital and the man has a spitoon.
LEM also mumbles in his sleep. It's kinda cute cause he's tiny and weird, but I can't even come close to understanding what he's saying when he's conscious. And I don't think he'd appreciate it if I walked over there and started petting him. Then again....
Downside: I lived on painkillers for 2 years straight so I actually hate them. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to enjoy the 2 hours of peace they give me.
What I do know is that he's probably going home today and, given the amount of cologne he has (I'm only guessing) sprayed around the room with a firehose just for the occassion, I think that's a really good thing. Then again, who knows what I'll get for a replacement.
Side effects of little european man's cologne:
Headache, nausea, general discomfort.
Side effects of arsenic treatment:
Headache, nausea, having to room with little european man.
Has anyone ever told you "I'm getting your arsenic?" If so, I hope you ran away. I'm plugged into the wall. Plus I probably couldn't run that fast. Instead I demanded drugs.
Today's exciting news:
- I apparently have too much phospherous in my blood. Do you think that means I glow in the dark? Cause I think it does. I'm gonna go test that theory.
- I need an MRI. But I hear you ask why. I did too. Well the answer is that I have a headache. Here in the land of modern medicine, that means something has gone horribly wrong. Nothing has actually gone horribly wrong, but they need to test for the horribly wrong thing that hasn't, in fact, gone. Confused? Don't tell anyone in a hospital because they'll sign you up for an MRI.
Favorite quote of the day: "Blame the catholic church for not letting me wear one of those little rubber things."